We often feel like others are always asking so much of us… our time, our energy, our resources. Your boss might be asking you to work on a new project. Your co-worker might be asking you to cover them for a weekend. Your friend might be asking you to go out for dinner. There are so many work, family, and friend requests and obligations, that you can’t possibly fulfill all of them. If you say yes to something you don’t want to do, then you feel unhappy and resentful. If you say no to something you don’t want to do, you feel guilty and even resentful that you were put upon by the other person. Only a minority of the time, you say yes and it’s to something you really do want to do. And it’s seemingly even more rare that you initiate something that you really want to do. So while we’re constantly being bombarded by requests and favors and invitations and so on, how do we stay true to ourselves and be able to say yes to what we really want to do and say no to what we really don’t want to do… and not feel so guilty about it?
Imagine the world is a giant candy store. Like any good candy store, there are a plethora of different candies to choose from – hard candies, gummies, chocolates, jelly beans, lollipops, licorice, and on and on. Because everyone has different tastes, the candy store doesn’t limit itself to just one type of candy. Some people may love gummies but hate licorice, but another person might love licorice and hate gummies.
In the same way, we all come into this world with different personalities, different tastes, different interests, different dreams, and so on. And that is a good thing. That is what makes this world so beautiful. Imagine a world where we were all identical clones of each other, with the exact same personalities, tastes, interests, and dreams. Rather than a utopia, it would be a prison of sterile conformity. So if we come into this world as unique and free individuals, we would want to live in a world of endless possibilities, like a mega big candy store. Each opportunity or request or invitation that pops into your life is like a different candy. Some you will like. Some you will not like. Some you might even hate. But you don’t go into a candy store expecting to love every single type of candy there is.
If you don’t like licorice, you don’t get mad or emotional if a candy store sells licorice. You just turn down the licorice and buy one of the other candies that you do like. It would be immature to get upset and emotional about it. In the same way, if someone asks you if you would like to do something or participate in something, if it doesn’t appeal to you, then there is no reason to get mad or emotional. Just decline without feeling any more guilty about it than you would if you declined licorice at the candy store.
Many times we feel badly about saying no. We feel guilty or we worry about hurting someone’s feelings or we worry that person will retaliate. That may lead to feeling the need to close yourself off or hide. But by doing so, you close yourself off from the bad and good. If you boycott the entire candy store, then you won’t enjoy the candy that you love. Nor would it be reasonable to expect people to know what you want, what makes you happy, and only ask you to do things that you like. You don’t go into a candy store demanding that they remove the specific candies that you don’t like. You might not like licorice, but that might be someone else’s favorite.
So you don’t need to feel attacked or upset when you boss or co-worker offers you a project that you don’t like. You might not like it, but how would they know? That same project might be something that another person would love, or maybe a project that someone else has dreamed of their whole life. So no need to take it so personally. If you turn down something, there will likely be someone else who actually wants it that will come along. Feeling like you have to say yes to everything would be as unhealthy as feeling like you have an obligation to eat every type of candy in the candy store. You would end up overstuffed, unhappy and sick.
Live your life like you are shopping at a candy store. You use discernment but not judgment when you are browsing the different types of candy. You know your preferences, for example you might like gummies but dislike licorice, so you buy gummies and feel very peaceful about it. You don’t judge the licorice. You don’t feel attacked by or the need to attack the licorice. You don’t get upset because the licorice is in the candy aisle. In the same way, it is okay to base your decisions on discernment rather than judgment. If someone invites you to a party, it is much easier and peaceful to give an honest answer based on discernment. I do not know anyone at the party so I decided to decline. Or I have too much on my plate right now so I decided to decline. There is only emotions or guilt if judgment is involved. Either judging the other person: how could they put me on the spot? How could they inconvenience me? Or judging yourself: I will disappoint them if I say no. I will be a bad friend if I say no.
These judgments are projections based on fear or lack. Basing your decisions on them will never make you happy and cannot truly make anyone else happy either. Whereas basing your decisions on your honest discernment of what makes you happy of course will make you happy. As simple as buying your favorite candy rather than buying a candy that you hate.
In the candy store when there are some candies that you haven’t tried and don’t know if you will like, it is okay to try them. In the same way, if someone offers you an opportunity and you can’t say that you will definitely hate it and you don’t believe it will hurt you, but you’re not sure if you will like it, it is okay to try it, and if you end up not liking it, that’s okay. That’s how you figure out your preferences and allow you to have discernment in the future. It might turn out to be your new favorite candy.
So live life a little easier, without having all the pressure of having to say yes to every single candy in the store. Don’t expect that every type of candy offered to you will be the ones that you like. It’s good to have variety, so just appreciate all the offerings, even the ones you don’t like, but you don’t have to feel emotional or judgmental when you use your honest discernment to turn down the ones you don’t like.
The same candy store analogy can be applied to any aspect of the world where instead of judging against what we dislike or disapprove of, we should appreciate without judgment the wonderful variety of this world. When we are driving on the street, we might get upset when we see another car aggressively racing around and cutting you off. Or we might get upset when a car in front of us is driving too slowly and blocking traffic. But would it really be better if everyone was forced to drive exactly the same way? If everyone drove at exactly 65 miles per hour and was perfectly synchronized with lane changes, there might be less accidents, but we would not all be happy unless we were all also perfect clones with no room for free will or unique expression. So when you see an aggressive driver, appreciate the fact that if you wanted to, you have the freedom to feel the thrill of driving fast. And when you see a slow driver, appreciate the fact that if you wanted to, you have the freedom to relax and have a peaceful ride. But if that doesn’t appeal to you, its okay. Its okay to turn down the licorice.
